Creativity, Shame and Self-acceptance
Let’s talk about sex babyyyy, let’s talk about you and me” — Salt-N-Pepa
“That guy Kevin sounds sexy… Be careful” — Lessons in Love by Safiya Robinson
This blog post isn’t going to be about sex. Sorry to disappoint you. If you want to read everything I wrote about sex, then check out one (or both) of my novels Lessons in Love, and What happens after Happily Ever After (as well as chapter 5 of Everything is a Thing. Now that I think about it, I’ve written more about sex than I realized!!). Instead, it is about shame, creativity and self acceptance — one of the topics that came up in my latest Clubhouse Creativity corner — a weekly conversation I host with fellow author coach and creativity maven — Jennifer Lancaster.
I have been thinking about this since I wrote Everything is a Thing, and I wrote about an encounter I had with a guy I met a few years ago. One of my dearest friends asked me after she read it why I wrote about it. To paraphrase her — why would I write that and put it in a book? It’s so private. Everyone has sex! But there’s no need to write about it! And let’s face it, she’s right. There is something taboo about writing about sex, about talking about it openly, even though I think we can all agree it’s something that most of us do at some point in time, and something that basically ALL of our parents did at least once! (Sorry for the visual!!)
Taboo creativity
And as we discussed on Clubhouse this evening — there is something taboo about sex and art; about erotic art and erotic books. They are the type of paintings that get hidden away in the back room… The type of books that people hide and read, and would not want to be caught dead reading on the train. They are also the type of books that people hide and write! I know several folks who have written erotic fiction (and one just published — please check out Becoming His on Amazon!) As an aside, I think that was why the 50 shades books were such a big deal — it was as if it suddenly became ok — fully acceptable to “come out” and read erotica in public.
And if you think it’s taboo to read it, imagine how it would feel to be a creative person who wants to write about it, or explore it in their art. There are so many reasons we write or create. For some of us, we do it with a specific end goal in mind, to fulfill childhood dreams, a challenge or hurdle we want to overcome. For others of us, it feels like a space where we can explore ideas that we are fascinated by — where we can get our own thoughts out of our head, or research the discoveries of others, and bring them together. For others, the creative process is something we enjoy, and something we do for fun. For others, it is something we do out of necessity. And for others still, it can be something we feel compelled to do — something divinely inspired and an expression of something that we cannot otherwise find a place for (and I wrote about this here recently). For some of us it is all of those things or a combination.
And either way, for those of us (and I say us because I have written about it) who feel the desire to write about sex, or to create pieces that are considered taboo — whether it is our own personal experience, or a fictionalized version — there can be so many feelings of shame that come with those desires. I mean — if you are a child of the 80s/90s like I am, can’t you remember when that song by Salt-N-Pepa came out, and how taboo even that one was.
Shame and creativity.
There can be so much shame that we feel when we have creative desires to create around taboo topics. And sex isn’t the only thing that can create shame in the creative process. I have written openly about leaving the church — but I had to fight so much shame when it came to sharing those pieces — because I still have so many friends and family members for whom faith is a huge part of their lives, and it felt wrong to share about it. A friend of mine is about to publish her own story in Beyond the White Picket fence, and she writes in there about feeling some shame about sharing her own stories about various topics including — getting fired from her job, breakdown of her relationships and her own sexual misadventures.
We can even feel shame around creating when we feel as if our work isn’t good enough in comparison to what we see others create, or to some imaginary standard that we have in our minds. It is the shame of admitting we aren’t who the world thinks we should be. That we aren’t who we thought we should be.
It is the shame of imperfection.
The truth is, there can be a lot of shame that comes up when we want to explore our creativity, and that shame can leave us feeling blocked; particularly if we are planning or hoping to share it with the world, and we get caught up in what others will think.
Letting go of shame — creative or otherwise can feel difficult. We tend to keep it hidden; to bury it deep. There is even something that feels “wrong” about being a person who “has no shame” — an expression that is often used as an insult. In fact, this expression almost makes us believe that it’s good to have a little bit of shame, or a lot of shame — the more shame the better! And so when we feel shame around the things we want to create, we can bury that too, thinking it may be good to have that shame, and terrible if we let it go. We can believe that shame is protecting us — from turning into a heathen, or being ostracised from our friendship or community groups and society at large.
And sometimes the very thing that we are ashamed to create — is the very thing that we need to create.
It might be the thing that allows us to begin to embrace our own story, and the parts of ourselves that we have hidden away; the parts of ourselves that we are ashamed of; that we are equally disgusted and fascinated by. Maybe because of trauma, or because of a strict upbringing (religious or otherwise) or maybe because of living in a world that tells us to be ashamed of those things. Sometimes creating the thing we are ashamed to create is the thing that allows us to embrace our own imperfections, and begin to accept that there is no such thing as perfect, and it is ok to create something that doesn’t appear to be perfect, that isn’t as good as “someone else’s”, or as good as we wanted it to be. And in embracing those imperfect, disgusting, fascinating, hidden parts of ourselves, we begin to embrace all of ourselves, and sometimes that is just what we need to begin to not only bust through those creative blocks, but also to heal ourselves, and begin the process of incredible self acceptance.
I’d love to know — have you ever experienced shame around your creativity? Around a personal story you want to tell, or a topic you want to explore? Around something you wanted to draw or write? How would it feel to ditch the shame and accept that desire to create? To accept the part of you that wants to create it? And while you are at it, to accept all the other parts of you too? How would it feel to create it anyway, even if it’s only for yourself?
Think about it, and then get creative!
Write that story or create that song anyway.
Draw or paint that piece of art anyway.
Create the thing you are afraid to create, that you are ashammed to create, and see what happens to your shame when you do. It just might be the thing that changes your life.
And I send you big love from a small island.
PS You can check out the two books I mentioned here — Becoming His and Beyond the White Picket Fence.
And of course — all of my books are here — shame free!!
The collage for this blog post shows a few of the things I created — some I am proud of, and some that I was ashamed of as well!
And you can join us every Thursday night in our Creative corner on Clubhouse! (The image below was created by my co-host Jennifer! Isn’t it fun?)
